written 11/11/10:
"finished reading 'Finding Fish' by Antwone Quenton Fisher today. amazing story of an amazing life. makes me realize how cushiony my life is; IDK why i can't get it together. if this man, who should (according to statistics) be rotting in jail right now, can overcome his obstacles - which were, like, Mt. Kilimanjaro-sized - why can't i hop over my little baby ant mound-sized issues? it's like i just keep throwing myself in the mound and lettings those annoying little ants keep biting me. it stings, but not enough for me to get up and move." -LW
yeah, i wrote that. 6 months ago. why? because although i walked across the stage May 8, 2010, i wasn't finished. i had yet to even start on my senior paper. yes, one paper standing in the way of me and the MAJOR "piece of paper". is it finished now? yes. will i have a degree? yes. will it have "2010" on it? no, but does that matter? heck no. why? because the point is, I. Will. Have. A. Degree. is this mildly embarrassing? sure it is. i asked myself a million times how i could let one paper take me over a year to finish. answer: i wasn't ready to get up out of the ant mound yet. i found myself getting entirely too comfortable in this little town of mine. no rent to pay, no bills, easy job...the life, right? wrong. i had to remember who i was at the core - an overachieving, non-settling, get-up-and-goer who HATED life at home and who couldn't WAIT to get away - and that woman was slapping me upside the head constantly, screaming "Get It TOGETHER and Get Up OUTTA This Joint!!" when i finally got tired of her screaming and slapping, i got myself up out of the ant mound and picked off all of those little ants one by one: self-doubt, fear, lack of courage, laziness, sluggishness... away they all went as i made myself conquer that paper.
now, i'm [mostly] ant-free, and my degree will be in the mail this summer. not only that, but my application for grad school is completed and turned in. not only that, but i just got back yesterday from an interview for a graduate assistantship! i thought it was too late and that i'd be taking out student loans for the first time ever in life. however, as my amazing sister told me: "when people are meant to go places, they can't stay in our small town for very long, and you were meant to go places." talk about a triple-shot of confidence-boosting juice right there; love that girl! point is, she's right. i was meant to go places, and to those places i shall go. rather we, because where i go, Gee goes, as i have fervently stated before. *does cabbage patch* Go Lauren, Go Lauren. LOL. gotta hype myself up sometimes!
now, it's time to play the waiting game; pray, pray, and after you get finished, pray again for me, people! i need & appreciate it more than you know :)
-love a *NERVOUS* elle
