reflection/confession

written 11/11/10:

"finished reading 'Finding Fish' by Antwone Quenton Fisher today. amazing story of an amazing life. makes me realize how cushiony my life is; IDK why i can't get it together. if this man, who should (according to statistics) be rotting in jail right now, can overcome his obstacles - which were, like, Mt. Kilimanjaro-sized - why can't i hop over my little baby ant mound-sized issues? it's like i just keep throwing myself in the mound and lettings those annoying little ants keep biting me. it stings, but not enough for me to get up and move." -LW

yeah, i wrote that. 6 months ago. why? because although i walked across the stage May 8, 2010, i wasn't finished. i had yet to even start on my senior paper. yes, one paper standing in the way of me and the MAJOR "piece of paper". is it finished now? yes. will i have a degree? yes. will it have "2010" on it? no, but does that matter? heck no. why? because the point is, I. Will. Have. A. Degree. is this mildly embarrassing? sure it is. i asked myself a million times how i could let one paper take me over a year to finish. answer: i wasn't ready to get up out of the ant mound yet. i found myself getting entirely too comfortable in this little town of mine. no rent to pay, no bills, easy job...the life, right? wrong. i had to remember who i was at the core - an overachieving, non-settling, get-up-and-goer who HATED life at home and who couldn't WAIT to get away - and that woman was slapping me upside the head constantly, screaming "Get It TOGETHER and Get Up OUTTA This Joint!!" when i finally got tired of her screaming and slapping, i got myself up out of the ant mound and picked off all of those little ants one by one: self-doubt, fear, lack of courage, laziness, sluggishness... away they all went as i made myself conquer that paper.

now, i'm [mostly] ant-free, and my degree will be in the mail this summer. not only that, but my application for grad school is completed and turned in. not only that, but i just got back yesterday from an interview for a graduate assistantship! i thought it was too late and that i'd be taking out student loans for the first time ever in life. however, as my amazing sister told me: "when people are meant to go places, they can't stay in our small town for very long, and you were meant to go places." talk about a triple-shot of confidence-boosting juice right there; love that girl! point is, she's right. i was meant to go places, and to those places i shall go. rather we, because where i go, Gee goes, as i have fervently stated before. *does cabbage patch* Go Lauren, Go Lauren. LOL. gotta hype myself up sometimes!

now, it's time to play the waiting game; pray, pray, and after you get finished, pray again for me, people! i need & appreciate it more than you know :)

-love a *NERVOUS* elle

road trip!

This past weekend, Gee and I traveled to Fayetteville, AR, to visit friends. The last time we went, Gee was only 4 months old. I had to stop an hour and a half in to feed her, and she couldn't even sit up yet. This time, I only had to stop an hour and a half in to change her diaper. HOWEVER, she cried for 30 minutes before we got to our checkpoint in Russellville. In those 30 minutes, I stopped about 4 times to give her acetaminophen, give her orajel, fix her some milk, give her some apple juice, readjust her toys, ANYTHING to get her to stop crying. None of it worked. So the last 10 miles, after trying to soothe her with my voice (to no avail), I drove in silence as Gee got louder and louder. We finally made it to the campus of Arkansas Tech, where we picked up my sister Toots. I hopped out of the car and checked on Gee; as soon as she saw my face, the crying ceased. I figured she was just glad to be still for awhile. I told Toots to get in the back with Gee, and as soon as I closed the door, the crying resumed. I scurried to get in the back and ordered my sister to drive while I sat next to Gee and let her play with my fingers. Mama's poor baby just wanted to see my face. Talk about feeling loved :) We had a nice lunch with Toots and her boo, and Gee had a first taste of French fries (which she loved, of course). Then, it was time to get back in the road. I prayed that Gee would sleep for the remaining hour and a half of the trip; she was knocked out not even 10 minutes after leaving Russellville, and she didn't wake up until I turned onto the Razorback Road exit; who says God doesn't answer prayers? And did I mention that Gee has one of her bottom teeth coming in? Hence the acetaminophen and orajel; I promise I wasn't giving her drugs just for the heck of it...

Anyways, we arrived safely in Fay. We visited some friends on campus first, then went to our weekend residence: a house occupied by 2 of my line sisters. Gee and I spent more time at the house this time, just relaxing and napping. A teething baby especially needs her rest, and Gee is so busy checking out her surroundings most of the time that she can no longer sleep with a lot of people around. That being said, though, we still got in a lot of quality time with people we haven't seen in a while. I was especially excited about seeing A & G2. A had G2 in November, and after Facebook stalking each other, we became FB BFFs, therefore making Gee (G1) and G2 BFFs by default. They just had to meet. So Gee and I went over to A's house, where we stayed for almost 2 hours, swapping stories of young single mommyhood and marveling over how precious each others babies were. Before we left, of course we had to get pics of the new friends. Cutest thing ever. The weekend ended with church, sushi and a highly motivating conversation with one of my LSs. We hit the road Monday morning and made it safely home.

How motivating was that convo, you ask? Today at work, while the kiddos watched videos, I handwrote 10.5 pages of the first draft of my personal statement as part of my application to the M.Ed. in Student Affairs program at the University of Arkansas. I feel comfortable enough to speak it out loud, write it down, and say it proud because I now KNOW in what direction I want my life to go, and I got the mojo to get Gee and me there. It is now officially grind time for this mama, mostly thanks to our road trip. So watch me work! :D

-love elle&gee

PS: here's a picture taken right before we left Fay. can you say fro'TASTIC!? the hair is crazy, people!
[caption id="attachment_66" align="aligncenter" width="224" caption="who ever heard of an 8-month-old with this much hair? "][/caption]