"it's been a long time, i shouldn't have left you [left you]..."

"...without a dope beat to step to."

lol. it's been almost a month since the last post? just sad...i was doing pretty well, too! ah, c'est la vie. i won't promise regularity, but as always, i'll do my best to be more regular. in posting, that is, not as in...never mind. ANYWHO!! i really despise the long catch-up posts that i used to do; they're so tedious and i always feel guilty if i don't include every detail, so i won't do those anymore. if you'd like to catch up with what we've been doing lately, find us on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. now that that's out of the way, on to today's topic...

it's not easy being a mommy. especially a young mommy and/or mommy with no husband/boyfriend/partner/boo-thang/person-besides-your-family-and-friends-to-be-there-with-and-for-you-on-a-regular-basis. ask me how i know? well sure, i've been living with my parents ever since Gabriela was born, and yes, they've been awesome BEYOND the highest levels of awesomeness. but i'm about to be 5 hours away with them. in my own place. with G. just the two of us. so slowly but surely, i've been trying to wean myself off of their assistance. things like putting the car seat in or carrying the playpen around, which my daddy used to do, i insist that i do instead, because there won't be a man around to help on a regular basis when we move. i feel the urgent need to drill that into my head and get used to it before it becomes my reality. and talk about scaaaared??? who wouldn't be? HECK yes i'm scared. and worried that i won't adjust to truly being a single parent and student and living on my own. however, that's where the power of "faking it til you're making it" comes in. i had to do it when i first cut my hair and went natural three years ago. i HATED it for 2 months b/c i thought i looked like a boy, but i put my big hoops in, a little makeup on and acted like i was the just-about-bald headed queen of the world. until i believed it. and then i was the not-as-bald-headed queen of a small area. lol. but i'll be looking back on that queen and drawing on the confidence she exuded. i'll be the just-about-bald headed queen of MY world, where G is the junior queen-in-training and WE are unstoppable. i'll do my best to ask for help [i'm getting better about that], and will *always* offer my help to those in similar situations or who could benefit from my experiences. just because you're not always sure of what you're doing doesn't mean you can't help others along the way to finding your footing! too many people feel like they need to "get themselves together" before they can help anyone else. a lot of times, it's good for others to see that you have struggles, because they then no longer feel like they're trying to catch up with/learn from a perfect prototype. none of us are perfect. we all struggle. the least you can do is help someone who's struggling a little more than you are. i didn't really mean to go off on that tangent, but i bet somebody, somewhere out there needed to read that. so there it is! 

but back to the young moms: i don't normally say this, but we gotta stick together. not in that we must blindly follow every leader who was once a single mommy [like some people do for their particular race, and that goes for all races]. i'm saying that when we can, we need to help each other out! i'm always down to give what little advice i can to others, whether their child is just a few months younger or still in the womb. or sometimes, a year or so older. realize, ya'll, that just because we're young and haven't been mothers that long, we still have valuable information to offer to others. i've made a great friend who i may not have been as close with if we weren't both mothers. i can talk to her about things that i may not necessarily talk to with my other friends, simply because i know she can relate. i'm not saying you have to be BFFs with every Facebook friend that pops up pregnant. i wouldn't do that. it's as simple as giving an encouraging word during her pregnancy, offering assistance or baby clothes/supplies, whatever. small things really do make a difference. i don't always respond, but it warms my heart when people comment on pictures of G and compliment my mothering skills. little things. if you can, offer to keep another mommy's baby so that she can go grocery shopping or to the mall w/o worrying about changing a diaper. yuck, i'm rambling...but i think ya'll get the point. so i'll stop. if one person takes one thing from this post and applies it to real life, i'll be happy. :)

and i'll probably post again later today [or in like 5 minutes] as a treat/apology for staying away so long! you're welcome. hehe. until next time!

-love elle&gee-

PS: please excuse any typos. too lazy to go check!

proud single mother? ummm...

this ad popped up on the side of my Facebook, promoting a page called "Proud Single Moms". as i am a single mommy, i clicked on it, interested to see what information it provided. but as i thought about the title, Proud Single Moms, it made me think. i didn't even end up clicking on the page's provided link, because i was too busy pondering this thought: am i really a "proud" single mother? i have to say, my answer to that is "no." i am a proud mother, and i truly do not regret my decision to become a mother. however, i will admit to feelings of shame when i tell people that i have a daughter, and some of them sneak a peek at my ring-less left hand; some will straight up ask if i'm married; and some, knowing i'm not married, just give me that super-duper judgmental look like "oh, you're just another young black girl who got herself knocked up." initially, the shame tries to get the better of me, but then i stop myself and remember: sure, i may be a young black woman who got herself knocked up, but i am also a young black woman with a college degree. i am also a young black woman in the process of starting on another degree. i am a young black single mother who is not always trying to pawn my daughter off on others in order to hit the club and party. i am a young black single mother who, knowing that i would have no partner in my child's father, chose to be a young black single mother because i believe in taking responsibility for my actions, not running away from them or pretending like they didn't happen. i am a young black single mother on a mission to one day be a not-as-young-but-not-old married mother with a fulfilling job, happy relationship, and a fabulous life. what i am NOT is "just another" young black girl who got myself knocked up. i am NOT "just another" anything. i am Gabriela's mother, i am young, i am black, but i refuse to be the stereotype of a statistic. point being, though i may not always be so proud of the way in which i became a mother, i won't let it be a reason for people to doubt me. or for me to doubt myself. while "proud single mom" i am not, i am a proud mother. period. and there ain't no shame in my game when i say that. :)

-love elle&gee-

tardy for the party.

yes, i was hooked on RHOA the first couple of seasons [WHO GON' CHECK ME, BOO!?], and i am still perplexed as to how this song even came into existence. however, i am super tardy on a couple of things, and this song came to mind. listen and enjoy. or cringe. :)

...aaaand we're back. here's what yours truly is "tardy to the party" for:

[not another] manic monday! --- it is clearly Wednesday. but honestly, i'm doing good to get it in before the end of the week! i'm back working regularly again for a couple of weeks [with 1st and 2nd graders, not the jr. high heathens, thank GOD], and i'm still trying to get back in the swing of it after hardly subbing at all for a few weeks [due to other important duties, like getting out of this place so i can QUIT subbing. lol]. it's boring as i don't know what, but i can't complain when i'm getting paid! anyways, here's this week's list, which should actually be "weekly rituals," but aside from church, i don't really have any...so here we go!

list#THIRTEEN: "DIYs i want to try"
--> website design, from scratch. back in my MySpace days, i self-taught myself a lot of HTML, which i've mostly forgotten, but would love to re-learn. i also fancied myself a fledgling graphic designer, as evidenced by this album of embarrassing MySpace background paraphernalia and my major in Advertising and Public Relations. please keep in mind i was, like, 14 or 15 when i made these. "yung & sexxii"? really??? -_-

---> sewing dresses for G, and myself, for that matter. i've known some sewing women in my day, and i love the whole idea of making my own clothes. did i ever tell ya'll that i thought it would be supercool to be a fashion designer in 8th grade? only because i was taking Home Ec, and we had to draw three different clothing designs. i thought mine were awesome, so i drew little mannequins with slutty clothes for the rest of the semester. they really weren't that great. and i have no clue why all of them were half-clothed. whatever.

---> calligraphy art. my Granny Annie was a calligraphy artiste. she took bible verses, quotes, poems, and made them pop off of the page with her beautiful writing. why wouldn't i want to learn how to do that?

---> diaper cakes. they look easy, and people pay for them. need i say more? :)

---> quilting. see "sewing dresses".

the other item for which i am "tardy for the party": my baby's G*DAY!!!! i am over a week late with my G*DAY report, not to mention that i didn't even remember G*DAY until the day after G*DAY...shame on me. but anyways, here it is: the 11-month G*DAY report!

*Gee can now stand up without pulling up. she also can almost run when someone holds her hands; just waiting for her to be ready to step out solo! :) did i mention that she is a dancing machine? in case you didn't see it on Facebook, check her out:

 yes, we adore The Fresh Beat Band :)

*she's discovered how ticklish i am on my feet!! she was playing on the floor and grabbed my foot. i am ridiculously ticklish everywhere, but especially on my feet, so i started laughing. what did Gee do? attacked my foot! it was all i could do not to kick her in the face - my normal defense against tickle monsters. mama and i just laughed and looked at each other in amazement of how perceptive Gee is...aren't babies amazing?

*she drools. All. The. Time. i'm still waiting on her to have more than two teeth, though...

*the baby food days are LONG gone. i gotta say, i used to feel bad about serving her Chef Boyardee and green beans or carrots almost everyday...up until yesterday, when i talked some sense into myself: if she likes it AND it's easy? what's the problem? i promise, that's one thing i can't stand about myself. if something seems too easy, it must be too good to be true, so i must make it harder on myself. motherhood is helping me break myself of that mentality, thank God!

*Gee is soooo affectionate, i love it! she hugs and slobber-kisses and gives back-pats... just the sweetest baby ever :)

*and look how freakin' HUGE she's getting!

Love. That. Girl. can't say it enough :)

until next time!

-love elle&gee-

our village.

"it takes a village to raise a child." -African proverb

for part two of a reflection on my first mother's day, the quote above came to mind. i was browsing through today's Facebook shoutouts, which ranged from the simple "Happy Mother's Day!" to the lengthy "I just wanna take this time to thank my mama Dorothy Ray Sugar Pie Williams Jones Johnson who is responsible for every success and accomplishment in my life. I LOVE YOU MAMA! Oh yeah, and shoutout to grandma 'nem. Love ya'll too." LOL. what struck me though, as it does every year, were the many stati that made sure to recognize the single mothers who are "doing it alone". i thought about all of the single mothers i know, regardless of age, and i know that i can only speak for myself, but i can tell you that throughout this past [almost] year of raising my daughter, i have NOT been alone. am i married? definitely not. not even close. no boyfriend, beau, nothing. however, Gee and i are surrounded by her village: family, friends, mentors, associates... her village reaches across city, county, and state lines. although i plan on going to grad school five hours away from my parents and biological family, we have another family waiting for us when we get there. there may be a few exceptions, but i don't really think that any of us single mothers truly "do it alone". our support systems just don't begin with a significant other. they begin with our own mothers, and fathers, then reach out to our aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, grandparents, friends, and end with anyone we know who cares about our wellbeing and the wellbeing of our children. of course, i would love to eventually have a significant other to serve as a strong example of a father figure to my daughter. however, for now, my own father is doing an amazing job of filling that role. i suspect he'll continue to do so, even when [IF] that significant other comes into play. on this, my first mother's day, i give thanks to the Lord for everyone in Gee's village. because of you all, i am not doing it alone, nor will i ever have to. :)

by the way, i had a fab mother's day. i didn't do anything extravagant; i did receive some workout gear from the parentals. gotta love their support of my new workout plan :) i helped my daddy finish dinner prep and helped him clean the kitchen - after i woke up from my impromptu nap with Gee. my daddy and i worked as a team so that my mommy could hang out and relax in the bed: a luxury for a mother to three "energetic" [to put it nicely] boys plus a grown daughter [who can, admittedly, act like a spoiled brat sometimes...sorry :)]. my punkin went to bed relatively early, and as i write this, i'm enjoying a moderately-sized serving of Blue Bell's mint chocolate chip ice cream... it's the simple things that make a day special. i hope any other mothers reading this had a simply special mother's day, as well! until next time... :)

-love elle&gee-

"mamaaa, you know i love yooouuu" -BoysIIMen

i remember "back in the day" when my sister and i had the "Soul Food" movie soundtrack on cassette (yes, i'm old enough to remember cassette tapes!); this is the only song i ever listened to. i would hit the rewind button over and over again until i fell asleep, committing this song to my memory and my heart. i don't know that i really *felt* the lyrics back then. as a matter of fact, i know i didn't. but as i approach my first mother's day, i totally get it.

you taught me everything, and everything you've given me, i'll always keep it inside; you are the driving force in my life, oh yeah...


i was going to break down how i can relate to every single lyric of this song, but i can't, because i'd be writing until Mother's Day 2012. just click on the words above to read all of the lyrics; they'll tell you how i feel. without my mama, there's no way i'd be able to be such a [hopefully] great mommy to my G*Baby. i remember making that phone call to her, all the potential scenarios running through my head: she'll disown me, she'll scream at me, she'll curse me out [even though she doesn't curse], she won't say anything, i'll never be able to come home again, i'll have to figure out this motherhood thing all by myself... but what did my mother do? pray and take action. that's probably one of the most important lessons i've learned from her: when facing a tough problem, pray first, then take action steps to solve it. crazy that it takes moving back home AFTER college to learn the most important life lesson of all...

although i'm more than ready to move OUT of her house [more on that later...lol], i'll be forever grateful that she let me back in while i adjusted to motherhood and sorted myself out this past year. of course, everyone with a great mom thinks their mom is the best, which is true for them. what's true for me is that my mother, S.J.W., is THE best mother in the ENTIRE history of mothers, hands down bar none, and i love Love LOVE her. love her. and in case you didn't get it the first three times, I LOVE MY MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! happy mother's day, madre. :)

[Mother's Day, Pt. 2 tomorrow: my thoughts on my 1st mother's day as a MOTHER! woot woot!]

-love always, a very loving elle- :)

lists 5, 6, 7 and some thoughts...

observation: more than one person has asked me "what about the baby?" when i tell them my plans of going to grad school. i say, "what about the baby?"
"aren't you going to leave her with your parents?"
huge PAUSE.
umm, no! i didn't decide to bring Gee into the world, only to dump her on my parents while i go and do my thing. for me, that's not how motherhood works. where i go, Gee goes. period. i guess it would be "easier" to leave Gee here and go to school, in that i wouldn't have to worry about getting her to school and playing with her when she's not ready for bed, even if i have a test the next morning...but motherhood is not "easy". and since Gee is MY daughter (not my parents), she and i will be going down the "non-easy" road together. if i were to leave my baby here, i'd be broke for trying to come see here all the time!! :) so no, i'm not leaving my baby anywhere besides the daycare around the way from campus. and that's that. hmph.

now, on a brighter note, it's time to catch up (once again) on my 30 Days of Lists!! i'll just jot them down here, for now; the cutesy journaled lists will come (hopefully) tomorrow... :)

List#CINCO: Weekend Goals
1| Rest
2| Relax
3| Hang out with G :)
4| Rest
5| RELAX!!

List#SEIS: Least Favorite Words/Phrases
1| "No Homo" :-/
2| "Swagger"
3| "No Homo" (really REALLY hate that phrase)
4| #winning
5| "i think she needs her diaper changed..." (LOL)

List#SIETE: BLOG GOALS!
1| Post 3-4 times a week/on a regular basis.
2| Be diligent about weekly features like "A Day in the Life", and start another one (probably music-related).
3| Quit going on post-hiatuses (is that how you pluralize "hiatus"? probably not...oh well)
4| Post more snippets/stories about Gee ("quit being selfish, Mom, jeez!")
5| Keep enjoying it! ;)

tomorrow, hopefully you'll see lists 8-10, plus it will be the 10-month G*DAY!! well, technically, it's already G*DAY, but that's neither here nor there. there'll be updated info on Gee's sophisticated palate (lol), hair breakthroughs (YES!), and movement. love that girl! nighty-night :D

-love elle&gee-

ramble, ramble... #1

just as i was doing good, i don't post for a week... shaking my head at myself, but oh well. i really need to go to bed, but i figured i'd get this thought out before it gets lost in my brain space, even though it's something that runs across my mind almost daily. it always irks me to hear parents (especially mothers) - especially those of babies and young children - complain about how inconvenient their children are, whether directly or indirectly. well, duh! parenthood is the antonym of "convenience". first, somebody has to do one of three things: 1) push the child(ren) out; 2) get the child(ren) cut out of their body; or 3) file all of the paperwork for adoption. while some of those may be more or less painful than the others, they are all inconvenient. no matter how much you love your child, there's no way you'd honestly say that getting up with your child at 3 in the a.m. is fun. it's not. cleaning yourself (and your child) up after she projectile spit-up all over you, your couch and the floor is not fun. cleaning bottles, cups, and high chairs; washing and stain treating poop-stained clothes; getting peed on...all not fun (although the last one, in certain situations, can be quite funny). however, all of these not fun things come with the amazing wondrousness of being a parent. and don't get me wrong, being a parent really is amazing wondrousness, about 92.33% of the time. i think i've started rambling; did i mention it was late? anyway, back to the point. the reason why this complaining irks me so is because parenthood is also a CHOICE, as i've explained in an earlier post. so if you make the choice to become a parent, don't expect anyone to feel sorry for you because your child is an "inconvenience". don't get me wrong; i have my moments, minutes, days where i'm like "man! this child is a piece of WORK!!" (yes, double exclamation points are totally necessary); that's not what i'm referring to. i'm referring to people who ignore their crying children in public places as they haggle over lottery tickets (didn't i just see you with a WIC folder? why do you have a lottery ticket anyway??). i'm referring to young parents who daily, publicly, loudly mourn the loss of their carefree youth due to the responsibilities of being a parent (GOTS ta be more careful! self included). i'm referring to parents who hurt or even murder their children because they were too expensive, too needy, crying too much and too frequently...i can't. i just don't understand how you could bring someone into this world, a someone who relies on you for protection, nurturing, love, guidance, PROTECTION, and you kill them? because they cried too much? or whatever the reason; they're all bad. but back to the point (again; it's getting really late). if you don't think you can handle parenthood, either don't have sex, use triple-quadruple protection during sex (but to be really sure, just don't have it), don't have the child, give the child to someone who is willing and able to be her parent, or suck it up and deal with the consequences of your actions. if you choose the last option - emphasis on CHOOSE - we really don't want to hear about every little inconvenience your child brings you. Really. Don't. Wanna. Hear. It. really. just keep those thoughts to yourself and focus on your love (i hope) for you child, and how you can raise that child the best way you can. if you can't do that, you seriously need to get some help, for your sanity and for the welfare of your child. there's no shame in telling someone that you think something isn't right with your mind; it's more common of a problem than you know...but more on that later (maybe). there'll be a much better post tomorrow or Saturday; working out another "Day in the Life" so Gee can tell y'all what a clumsy mother she has and how she deals with it. :D

- up WAY past bedtime elle :)

i know, i know...

...i never did get around to posting for the 8-month-G*DAY. and here it is the 9-month-G*DAY coming up in 8 days. WHAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!?! craziness, right? my daddy and I moved G's crib down a couple of nights ago. we were initially going to move it down one notch, but after we saw all the trouble it was gonna take, we just moved it all the way to the bottom. so now, when i'm putting my precious pumpkin pie in the bed, i feel like i'm placing her in a bottomless pit. i mean, i'm not the tallest person in the world (where are my 5'0" people at? lol), and i was already getting on my tiptoes to put her in the bed. can you imagine? anywho...

i put Gee in her playpen yesterday - i'm trying to put her in there a few times of day so that when we go on trips and she needs to go in there for naps and such, it won't be an issue - and went in the kitchen (which is right around the corner). i come back around the corner, and Gee has rolled over and is on all fours trying to pull herself up to standing. NOOOOOOOOOOOO/YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i mean, believe me, i am ready to not have to haul my chunky mama everywhere, BUT she can't walk and she's already into everything; i won't need ANY help losing weight once i'm chasing after her! and then there's the hair...

that glorious hair. i've ditched the blow-dryer for now, opting instead to *thoroughly* detangle and towel-dry 'til it's only slightly damp. it's so much softer after that, plus i love how her hair stays curly without being in knots. my sister Toots introduced me to the TangleTeezer (http://www.tangleteezer.com/): y'all, this thing works miracles on Gee's AND my hair. and if you've ever seen how thick and tightly curled my hair is, that's saying a LOT. lol. so with this little tool in my arsenal (plus giving Gee her own [clean] comb to chew on), hair time has become MUCH less dramatic. for now, anyways.

did i mention that Gee is almost 9 months old? i just had to say it again, because it's pretty freakin' unbelievable. but not unwelcome. i've heard women say that they miss the days when their children were babies, but my mom & i are in agreement: i wholeheartedly embrace Gee's impending toddlerhood. i want her to talk to me in words i can understand (she says "A-ga-ga!" a lot; this morning, i asked her what it meant. she just said "A-ga-ga!" lol). i want her to be able to toddle around and explore (even if i'm going to have to chase after her). i wanna hear and see her say "i love you mommy!" and sing and dance and swim and run... not that i'm not enjoying her being a baby. i'm just excited about all of the amazing-ness in her future. OUR future. man, i love that little girl. pretty sure she loves me, too, but if i ask her, i'm guessing she'll just say "A-ga-ga!" :)

-love elle&gee

choice.

Gee is sleeping like the baby who inspired the phrase "sleeping like a baby." Whereas I am doing everything but trying to go to sleep. Insomnia? I don't quite know. Of late, I've just felt this intense urge to really and truly pull my life and myself together, not in a false way that will only last for a week or two, but a true lifestyle change. Organizing documents, pulling helpful articles out of magazines, getting an individual bank account that's not jointed with either of my parents. For whatever reason, the little me in my brain decided that it was time for both of us to get shaking on the path to independent adulthood. In the process of cleaning out my purse, I came across something that I wrote back in December while I was at work. I usually have so many thoughts going in my brain that I can't decide which ones to write down, so I write nothing. But this time, I had to get these words on paper. You may or may not agree with them; it doesn't matter. Just respect that this is my opinion, and everyone is entitled to one.

[begin writing]
"and she realized that, though the activities that she participated in that led to her child's conception weren't very smart, her decision to give her daughter life was the best choice she had ever made." -LW '10.

being a mother is a choice. just because you threw up this morning, went to get a stick to pee on and got a positive result doesn't make you a mother. it just makes you pregnant. probably. and when you confirm that you have a group of cells multiplying in your abdomen, like it or not, you have (as far as i know) 3 options: abort, give up or raise up. i don't believe in abortion for myself. as for others, they're the ones who have to live with their decisions, not me. BUT, and this is imperative: A DECISION NOT TO ABORT IS *NOT* A DECISION TO BE A MOTHER. a woman who - knowing that she could never properly raise a child - gives her baby up for adoption is a better mother than a woman who carries a child resentfully and raises that child in hate. to be a mother is to see your daughter for the very first time and already know that you'd do anything for her. to fell her pain when she gets her shots and her heart beat when you hold her tight, realizing that her heartbeat and yours are perfectly in sync. to know that from her first breath to (Lord willing) your last, all that you have you now share, and you'll never be able to make another decision without first thinking of how it would affect her. a true mother's (not egg donor's) love is completely unconditional, and her life is now lived for two. when you think about it, it's not unlike a marriage now: for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health... if you would vow to stick by a man through these things, wouldn't you do that and more for your own flseh and blood? a mother would. keep this in mind also: every woman who ahs given birht is NOT a mother, and every mother has NOT given birth. so, as previously stated, motherhodd is a choice. i've made mine.
-LW, 12-01-10 (Wednesday)

Just needed to get that off my chest and into cyberspace. And yes, I do know that I never posted for Gee's 8-month G*DAY. That post is coming tomorrow. Only 2 weeks late... :D